Hi, and welcome to Men's Hairdresser Co.

Would you like to sit in:

• Awkward silence
• Uncomfortable silence
• Stilted silence
• Disturbed silence
• Silence occasionally punctuated by shrieks and squeals from the receptionist on the phone, reminiscent of a hyena

Note: Please remain completely and utterly motionless for the duration of your haircut. As a service to our customers we actively avoid both conversation and eye contact.

English: The Global Language.

Never has it been more important to consider your marketing from as many angles as possible. There's a fine line between edgy and Just Plain Wrong, but linguistic ignorance is a poor excuse for crossing over.

TrekStor's new mp3 player, while creatively named, clearly wasn't evaluated from the point of view of anyone that speaks English particularly well. Though the gaff was quickly fixed, the reaction was reminiscent of the Nissan Pajero.

I wonder, though, if "Holden" in Chinese actually means "forbidden pleasure cavity", and how soon it will be before we (in Australia) will need to worry about such things.

I Am Saddened.

By this. Do not misunderstand; this is a glorious achievement in user interface design, and an adorable video, but I'm saddened that a phone that a child can use is a cause for celebration.

What if the same principle were applied to cars? Or cutlery?

Have we such low standards?

The Contents of this Post May Offend.

How do you know when to be offended? And, as an extension, how do you know how offended to be?

Pulp Fiction references aside, is "taking offence" at a comment out of our control? I hardly think so.

Firstly, how often do you feign or exaggerate offence so as to play what you think to be your expected role in the community? How many men actually feel that Kevin Rudd entering a strip club renders him as "morally bankrupt" as they seem to claim?

And then, how does one gauge how much offence to take? If I overhear a racist comment should I scream and holler, or just pretend it didn't happen?

(As an aside, I would have very little problem with racist jokes per se, were more of them actually funny. A colleague spent a short time calling me "Jew" in the office, while I responded with various comments about his own ancestry, though the phase was short-lived. We moved on not because either of us took offence, but because it just wasn't very funny.)

From another point of view, many comedians use racial and religious insensitivities as a part of their routine, but how do they know where to draw the line?

I'm sure all these questions can be answered in terms of context, but I find it interesting that, more often than not, many people seem to view taking offence at a comment as a "safe option". I think this is a shame, as such laziness of the mind actually lowers my opinion of their ability to think independently. One could even argue that this leads to a rise in conservatism, but I believe it simply makes genuinely offensive comments (and people) more difficult to spot.

Overheard While Churning.

One mouse turns to another and says;

"Don't you think it's odd that we're talking to each other in a fairly straightforward manner, in clear English? I mean, we are mice. We should just be, you know, crawling around on the floor, eating cheese."

"You're right," replied the second mouse. "But if we weren't able to talk, then you wouldn't be asking me that question. So how can we even be aware that the alternative exists if we wouldn't be able to question it? Perhaps we have always been able to talk, and being unable to talk is merely a false memory, imprinted by years of repression and abuse. Or perhaps it is simply the anthropic principle at work, though without a written record we're unable to say for sure."

"Wow." Said the first mouse. "You are a dick."

Is It? Already? Wow.

A woman walks up to a man in a bar and says;

"Hi there. I've got a whole bunch of jokes about men, mostly intimating that they are intellectually inferior to women. Would you like to hear them?"

"No," says the man, and he turned back to his mates to continue getting pissed and watching cricket.

Dave, You're A Star.

"So, how do you know the bride?"

"I dated her before she got engaged to that guy."

[Awkward Silence.]

"Uh."

[More Awkward Silence. Possibly Crickets Chirping In The Background.]

"Oh."

I Woodn't Have Guessed.

Solid wood has quickly become one of Australia's most valuable commodities. Ironically, it does in fact grow on trees.

Time Yourself.

"We fear a few dwarf watercraft stewardesses were regarded as desegregated after a great Texas tweezer war."

"I'll kill him in Honolulu, you unhook my pink kimono."

"A sad creed was read as wasted Fred feared frats were dead."

"A deer was dead at a sad tree."

"As caged crawdad beasts rested a warted crew fretted Weezer sex treats."

I tend to do better on the right-handed ones.

Mastery.

A complaint against science is that it tries to "master" the glory of creation. Conversely, some proclaim their desire for such mastery.

Bollocks.

When a carpenter builds an exquisite piece of furniture, has he "mastered" the tree, in any sense of the word? Did the members of the Manhattan project hold any sense of mastery or control over their creation? At a simpler level, when a math student adds two numbers together, has he "mastered" either of those numbers?

Mastery of any element of our world is as improbable as mastery of another human being. You may be able to convince it to do what you want for a while, but you sure as hell aren't it's master.

Science is about respect, and understanding. Not mastery.

Destined?

Remember: You can do or be anything. All it takes is a lifetime of dedication.